At some point in my life, for reasons I do not fully comprehend, I got added to the Oreos marketing mailing list. Most of the time this just means I get emails alerting me to the fact that, if I am so inclined, I can buy a box of Oreos that’s got my picture on them or something. Not something I am particularly interested in, but not something irritating enough to make me unsubscribe.
But a few weeks ago, I got an alert about a new limited edition Oreo that made all the other mailers feel worth it.
Ostensibly, these cookies are a celebration of, uh, outer space. They’ve got pictures of rockets and telescopes on them! They’re filled with “cosmic creme”! But one look at the pink, blue, and purple packaging and I knew different: these were bisexual Oreos.
So obviously I bought some.
My Space Dunk Oreos arrived a few weeks ago, but because there is nothing sadder than taste testing novelty Oreos alone so you can write about them on the internet, I did not eat them until this week, when I was finally able to meet up with my friend and fellow bisexual, the author Ella Dawson (pre-order her book!).
We settled into my living room, and got some milk, and set to work.
At first glance, the bisexual Oreos appear to be, not the colors of the bi flag, but perhaps more like the trans flag.
But once you have removed the top cookie, a third, purplish shade of creme emerges. I think it is legitimate to identify them as either trans or bi (or bi and trans) Oreos; but the important thing to know is they are definitely not cishet Oreos.
But how do they taste? The brand copy informs us that “Cosmic Creme” is actually marshmallow flavored creme with “popping candy” (read: Pop Rocks), which roughly translates to “very sweet Oreo creme and also there’s a tingly, popping sensation that lingers in your mouth for a surprising long time.
At first blush, Ella described the bisexual Oreos as “intense and slightly off putting,” noting that they were “a demanding cookie.” Neither of us felt capable of eating more than a few of them — between the intense sweetness of the Oreo creme, the strangeness of the Pop Rocks, and the weird aftertaste that lingered after eating them, they were just a lot.
And yet, perhaps that reaction was just a sign of our age.”I feel like I would eat a full sleeve of these in my college dorm room while worrying about asking out my lab partner Rachel,” Ella confessed to me after we’d reached our respective third cookies.
And look, here’s the thing: you don’t eat novelty Oreos for the taste. We all know that, right? With the exception of the mint Oreos and the ones with chocolate creme, most novelty Oreos are weird at best: a thing you eat because you’re curious, because you’re hanging out with a friend you haven’t seen in a while, because you want to make content for the internet.
And what really drew me to these cookies in the first place was the packaging, right? And that, I think we can all agree, was flawless. As Ella said as we wrapped up our cookie eating excursion, “They nailed the aesthetic.”
In conclusion: bisexual Oreos! They’re an intense experience, and you may feel a little funny consuming them, and it might be hard to take a bunch at once. But they sure are pretty to look at and they’re very well dressed. I give them an 8/10. More over, I feel fine being represented by these cookies. This is the bisexual representation the world truly needs.
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