Allow me to summarize a recent Dear Abby letter (which you can read in full here):
A bisexual woman named “Ginger” is engaged to be married to a man, only to be dumped by him three days before her wedding, apparently because, woops!, turns out her bisexuality, which he’s known about for a year or so, is a dealbreaker for him. In the aftermath of having her life turned upside down, she’s mostly been dating women, some of whom are some real pieces of shit. Her parents (who, for the record, are the ones writing the letter) feel betrayed by her broken engagement, which they see as a sign that she was lying to them about her relationship and happiness and cannot be trusted. They also hate her girlfriends and don’t want her to bring them around, which means their relationship has become strained — something the parents blame on Ginger, who they think isn’t even trying to “earn back” their trust.
Whew!
Now, you may feel differently, but my (admittedly biased) read on the situation is as follows. Ginger has some real shitty parents with a bizarre understanding of what their daughter owes them and what “trust” actually means — so much so that they’re not willing to consider the possibility that their daughter was happy in her relationship and was excited to get married, only to have her life and future utterly upended by a biphobic fiancé. Said shitty parents also seem utterly insensitive to the fact that being jilted by a fiancé mere days before one’s wedding might be a major trauma that could trigger some mental health issues and (understandable) distrust in men; that Ginger’s pursuit of women may be driven by a fear of getting rejected by men, and that her shitty taste in said women might be rooted in a fear that, as someone who was just abandoned mere days before her wedding, she doesn’t actually deserve a partner who treats her well.
In short: if it were me, I would tell Ginger’s parents to grow the fuck up, realize their daughter is probably in incredible amounts of pain, and show her some compassion rather than making this whole situation about their own hurt egos. They’re not the victims here, their daughter is, and they need to get over their shit and be parents.
But alas, I am not the writer behind Dear Abby, and Jeanne Phillips, aka Abigail Van Buren, decided to take a different tack. Her response?
Has it occurred to you that your daughter may be a lesbian who tried to appease you and her father by claiming to be bisexual? It is a blessing to all concerned that the wedding was canceled.
If you’re a regular reader of my column, you surely must be aware that some women have dysfunctional “manpickers.” In your daughter’s case, she’s having the same problem choosing her female partners. Rejecting her because you don’t want “those women” around is not the solution to her problem. Instead, suggest she seek counseling at the nearest LGBTQ community center so she won’t continue seeking love in all the wrong places.
What the fuck.
There are some points that I can agree with here, certainly. I absolutely think that it’s for the best that the wedding was cancelled — someone who wants to call off a wedding days before is not someone you should marry! — and I think it’s correct that the parents should not be rejecting their child at a moment when she’s clearly struggling. But everything else, I mean —
What the actual fuck.
It is quite a leap to assume that a woman who was dumped by a man for being bi and then started primarily dating women is secretly a lesbian. It is also just kind of callous to assume that a woman going through the rebound of all rebounds has a broken “picker” (and also to specifically make it sound like that’s a lady specific problem and not something that may have been evident given that she chose to get engaged to a dude who was classless enough to dump her three days before the wedding). The whole thing is just so callous and shitty, but I really am just stuck on this conviction that poor Ginger — poor Ginger! — can’t simply be heartbroken and abandoned, but must naturally be lying about being bi.
Ginger, if you are out there: my deepest sympathies to you. Your ex sounds like a shithead, your parents are being jerks, and even Dear Abby stabbed you in the back. You deserve so much better.
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